Life sure knows how to keep ya on your toes.
All of the stress and emotional up & downs from the past year or so have appeared to settle.
All it took was to simply accept where I was at and be truly open to what the universe had in store for me.
Right, I say that like it was an easy process. Not so easy but certainly simple. Just shut the ego up and sit back while the universe can do it’s job.
I have done a lot of learning and feel that I know myself so much better. Is it age, experience or hard work? Probably a combination of it all.
I began to feel unsettled in my job close to 2 years ago. This began an interesting roller coaster ride.
It really kicked into gear when I chose to go to Vipassana for 10 days. Silent meditation. No talking, no interacting. Just a simple yet profound meditation practice. This was an incredibly difficult and yet lasting experience. I began feeling annoyed, grumpy and pissed off. Seriously, there was a day where I was mad at the person in front of me who let their sock hang off their toes. All I could think was “You Slob! Pull up your socks!” Then I noticed it was me who had to pull up their socks. Thank you random person. I put as much effort as I could at that time into the meditaions each days. I moved through a letting go process that was deeper then I’ve ever known to be possible. I came to a place of strength and renewal.
I think adjusting to “real” life was harder than the letting go of it. Our world is so busy, noisy and for what? So we can get to the end faster with no real heart experience of anything? What a load of crap. Once I got back into the groove of life again and people asked me about my time at Vipassana I said it was great and difficult and that I would never do it again. Now I think I’d like to go again. Like yearly.
This time in meditation helped me to be even more in touch with the type of life I want.
I took a 3 week stint off work as I began to feel overwhelmed with the emotional process of people that had lost hope in themselves and our world. Not that I entirely blame them but I soon found myself building a bitter or tarnished outlook as well. That didn’t feel right. I found myself fighting harder then my clients just so the hope for humanity still existed. Please let it exist. News was affecting me and pissing me off. I just didn’t like the negative glasses I was looking through.
There is a lot of tragedy in the world. I’m not naive enough to ignore that fact. However there is so much good that gets over looked. That bugs me. Let’s celebrate the joyful things in peoples lives. We could all use a lot more celebration.
Once I recognized that I needed a shift with work it was difficult to go back. I knew that I needed to keep my eyes and ears open to possibilities. So while I was beginning the search for a new job I launched myself on a learning curve around finances.
Holy crap what a wild ride that has been! I have always been controlled by the stress of debt. I was never really taught how to deal with money. In fact what I observed in my parents is that money = stress. It is there because it has to be.
I now believe that it is there to enable you to explore life the way you want to. Not to do things the way society says you have to but simply to support what you want out of life. Seeing the words typed here I realize that it is difficult to articulate this shift of attitude and belief around money. Believe me, it’s deep and important. We all NEED a healthy relationship with money.
After some time I found myself in need of more time away from work to let my heart and soul have a true break before really deciding which direction to do. I was having a difficult time leaving or thinking about leaving the job that I had been at for close to 7 years. I grew a lot in that job and learned a ton. I took 4 months off and went on medical EI (aka: stress leave) so that I could take the time to clear out anything and everything.
Once I returned to work after still not knowing which direction I was meant to go in I felt like there was a bigger lesson. What the hell was it?! Oh ya, sit down, shut up and listen.
I have talked for years about wanting to teach people how to do the work. That’s what I want. I didn’t want to re-word a job so it felt like I was teaching. I actually wanted to teach. When that settled in, a mere hour later I received an email to join the place where I began my work.
Rhodes Wellness College offered me a position as an Instructor.
I’ve been there for about 4 weeks now and I love it. It’s busy, a bit chaotic however there’s something wonderful there too. Once I really settle into it I’ll be able to articulate it better but for now I can sit back and revel in the fact that I am where I need to be. I am doing what I’ve known I should be doing and the recent lessons have been learned.
Now I hope for some peace and calm
At least for a little while 🙂